We Need To Talk #SuicideAwareness

It is sad to think that there are so many people living with such deep sadness that they take their own lives. There are more people living with this reality than we may think because most of us (and yes, I have felt like that before in my life, more than once) don’t tell people about it. Everyone has their own reasons for not telling anyone that they’re so strung out on life that they just want it all to end. Some because of the social stigma, or the fact that they don’t want to feel like a burden to their loved ones. Those are only two examples, as there could be numerous other reasons as to why they keep it to themselves.

We seem to only talk about tragedies when they happen and then they are quickly forgotten until it happens again. We see this with school shootings and other issues within our society. Depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, suicide, and many other mental health issues are on the forefront of life EVERYDAY. There are so many people who live it in silence. No one should feel alone like that. We need to talk about it and keep talking about it so that those people don’t feel alone so that those people may gradually feel more comfortable reaching out, and so that we, as a society, are better versed to understand the warning signs that someone we may love and care about is struggling. We need to take a stand and reach out to these people.

BUT

You can’t save everyone. Not everyone wants to be saved. No situation is going to be just like another one either. I have seen people essentially defending suicide but I simply cannot do that. I have lost a loved one to suicide and I’m still not over it. I don’t know that I’ll ever be over it.

My story is just one story. Someone else’s will be different. So, this is merely my experience, my opinions, and my feelings, and nothing more. I will not tell another person how to feel, especially about something as heartbreaking and serious as suicide.

The last memory I have of my mother is her showing up randomly one day, as my dad had gotten custody of me a year ago and I had not spoken to my mom since then. I remember being very excited to see her, yet apprehensive because she had spent years blaming her problems on everyone but herself, and I feared her believing that all had been forgiven and that things were fine if I showed her such excitement when they weren’t fine. They were far from it.

She brought me a kitten that day, a kitten she named Peanut (this was my nickname as a child). She told me that she nursed the kitten because she had lost her mom. The kitten was even born in the same month as I was. That kitten and feeling scared to be excited to see her are honestly the only clear memories I have of that day. When I was older, my dad and I were talking, and he filled in some blanks - I refused to be alone with her and she informed him that she was moving away.

My mom did not move away though. However, she could have because her father offered her a house and safety. Instead, she drove her car, which she had been living out of for quite some time, out to the railroad tracks. The only thing that is clear is that she stood in front of a train in order to take her own life.

I can remember my dad telling me that the police would be coming over but he would not tell me why. They casually informed me that there had been an accident and that my mom was dead. At the time, they did not rule it as a suicide, but rather that the investigation was pending and that they would inform us of the outcome before airing it on TV. This moment in my life is not very clear to me. That day plays more like a broken, silent movie wrought with anguish. The only thing I can say for certain is that I was numb. That numbness was followed by an overwhelming feeling of such deep pain that I felt immobile because to speak or move would feel as though my body was completely falling apart. I sobbed quietly at first, not quite knowing what to make of the information I had just received. The worst was yet to come.

I chose to go to school in an attempt to quell my pain and ignore the situation, for as long as I could, the next day. I only told my friend, whose sister gave us a ride to school every day, after she could tell that I simply was not okay. I proceeded to go into class. A friend who sat behind me told me she was sorry for my loss. I stared at her blankly, because if you remember, I was told that they would inform us what the outcome of the investigation was before airing it on the news, but they did not do that. I got to find out from a classmate that my mom had committed suicide.

I won’t go into everything that followed that harrowing news because it isn’t exactly important.

My mom had a very difficult childhood and past. She suffered from bipolar disorder (manic depression), drug addiction, and alcoholism, among many traumatic events in her life. One thing I know, and will never forget, is that my mom loved me. She wanted to protect me, but in her efforts of trying to protect me, she put in harm’s way and I ended up enduring much of what she was trying to avoid. Though I never told her about it, and I didn’t tell anyone until I was much older. My point is, there is so much going on in a person’s life that they often don’t discuss. I have discussed my issues with people at length because I, myself, have been suicidal. I was as a child and I was again after my mom took her own life. I hated myself for that. I hated her.

Suicide does not just end the pain for the individual committing the act, but it trickles that pain down to their loved ones. My mom did not leave me a note or anything to help me understand and cope. In fact, the only information I got to be left with was that she couldn’t deal with the fact that she had lost me. As a 15-year-old, I heard, “This is your fault.” My mom hadn’t lost me but merely lost custody because she could not care for herself, let alone me. Yet, that was the thought I was left with after she was gone. I felt like it was my fault for years. I drank to numb my pain, but drinking doesn’t really do that. In reality, it gives it a loud sound system and stage from which to project. There were at least 3 times I thought about taking my own life after that.

My mom committed suicide when I was 15 years old. I am almost 29 and I live with that pain every single day. I will never be able to go to my mother for advice or do any of the things that mothers and daughters do. I honestly don’t even know what that looks like since my mother left this world before we could spend time together as “friends” or however that works once you get older. I continue to suffer from anxiety and depression years later. I very much envy my friends who have this wonderful relationship with their mothers. 

While I am in a better place now, I will never be without that pain. I still have questions that will forever go unanswered.

Please, if you are suffering, talk to someone. Your life matters. You matter.

Call the helpline

1-800-273-8255

#TakeAKnee

There's a lot of talk about the NFL players taking a knee during the National Anthem.  There are obviously people who are supportive and those who are not.  I have read many opinions on the subject and it's clear that there is quite a massive and emotional divide of opinions here.  I can see relevance on both sides.

My opinion - I don't think this was exactly the most effective way to get a point across.  However, they do have the right to express themselves in a peaceful way.  Though, I'm not so sure the venue is the most appropriate.  Unfortunately, like in politics, things like sports thrive based on the opinions of the people.  It seems a great majority are not in favor of this peaceful protest, as they believe it is disrespectful to the flag and those who have fought to defend it.  There is the opposite side of this where those people who have fought to defend the flag also fought for the freedom of speech and expression, which this falls under.

Now, I don't give two shits about sports.  I think those people make way too much money and there is way too much energy from the public placed on sports teams like it's some kind of religion. Our military makes less than these people and that I do not agree with.  All of that aside, it is a huge part of society.  The actions of the players on these teams have a big impact on people.  There are kids who look up to them and countless fans, so their beliefs and actions are always under scrutiny.

Systematic racism and oppression is a real thing and I honestly can't really blame them for standing up for change in whatever way they feel is right.  I may not completely agree with the execution but the fact of the matter is, it is a real issue that seems to fundamentally get swept under the rug time and time again.  There are so many people out there who think it isn't that big of an issue, or that it isn't an issue at all.  That is a serious problem. Some even think that it's all their fault, like they have complete control over how everyone else in the world treats them.

White privilege is very much an overwhelming presence in our world.  The fact that any race receives any kind of extra privilege over any other race is, and will always be, wrong.  I can't even begin to understand how any of that feels because I'm a white person.  I have experienced white privilege all my life. They are shitty people in every race; the race part doesn't matter, and shouldn't. The difference is, you don't you can be a shitty, trashy white person and still enjoy your white privilege.

So what's the bottom line here?

Historically we have stood with our hands over hearts during the Pledge of Allegiance and the National Anthem.  That's all fine and well.

I'm going to take a legal argument stance here -- What is the intent of taking a knee?  To me, it does not appear to be a malicious act with the intent of disrespecting our Nation's Heroes.  Intent matters.  Isn't it more likely that the act of taking a knee during a song meant to praise the freedoms of our country (when there is still so much oppression and racism) is to demonstrate that the pain suffered by this group of people is something that should be noticed and changed?

I think the more important issue here is the oppression and racism that still exists making people feel like this is something that is necessary to do.  The flag is, and will always be, something to be respected, as well as the heroes who have defended it.  These people taking a knee isn't going to change that.  It only does so if you choose to let it. 

People are choosing what to be upset about here.  It is a choice, remember that.

Emotional Support Animals

What’s on my mind today?  Emotional Support Animals (ESA)

I had dogs growing up, but when I moved away for college I was unable to take them with me.  My first apartment didn’t allow pets at all.  Looking back, I remember struggling quite a bit being completely alone.  A year later I moved into an apartment that allowed me to have my cat at least.  I’ve had her with me since then.  She’s started getting old (almost 12), and while I know she likely has many years left ahead of her, the idea of losing her pains me greatly.  For years I have tried to deny my anxiety and depression issues, thinking that I could simply deal with them on my own.  Having anxiety and depression is still considered rather taboo, and it’s more common than it isn’t.  My cat has a very special meaning to me, as she was given to me by my mother just days before she committed suicide.  I never really realized just how important having an animal in my life was until I started to worry about losing her.  I realized that I look forward to going home to her, cuddling with her on the couch, and knowing that she would be waiting for me at the door (she does that just like a dog would).  I literally cannot imagine going home at the end of the day and not having that.

As I started researching training a dog as an ESA, I began to realize how much my dogs did for me growing up, and how much my cat does for me now.  My cat Sniffles will climb into my lap and lick me when I’m sad.  She will literally spoon me.  It is more comforting than I can describe in words.

My cat Sniffles and I

My dog Kovu would instinctively know when I was upset and he would come up to me and hug me by getting as close to me as possible and placing his head on my shoulder.  He’d lick away my tears, and even curl up with me.  His mere presence and affection would alleviate many of my stressors.  I struggle with going out many places by myself because I will often feel too anxious to enjoy myself, so I simply don’t go much of the time.  When I had my dogs, I’d take them out with me and I would be fine.  My other dogs were very good at this, as well, but my dog Kovu was my ultimate support and companion.  He had a myriad of health issues in the latter part of his life, but what ultimately led to him having to be put down was an inoperable tumor.  Word cannot describe the devastation I felt when my dad informed me of having him down.  I still often cry thinking of him being put down and not being there for him.

My dog Kovu on the left and my dog Luna on the right

This is the day that I got Sniffles. Simba was my other dog. They became fast friends.

I had always wanted another dog, and actually moved into my current apartment with the intention of getting a dog once I wasn’t working like 65 hours a week and had the time to devote to a dog.  My apartment allowed dogs and cats, so it was perfect.  A friend of mine has a Support Dog, and has told me I should get an ESA, but I didn’t want to do that.  I didn’t want to explain myself to people, so I made sure to find an apartment where I could have a dog.  Fast forward to today (about a year and a half later):  I decided it was the right time to get a dog.  So I call my apartment to inform them of my intention (so that I could pay whatever required deposit and add the additional pet rent) and they inform me that dogs aren’t allowed in my building, yet many people in my building have dogs.  My neighbor directly across from me has a dog and the person next to me has a dog.  Strange.  My best guess is that when they switched ownership, they changed their rules.  The lease was written in such a way that they could get away with that too.  I felt hopeless.  Then I remembered my friend and reached out to her about the ESA. 

I’d also like to point out that I didn’t want to go the ESA route because there are so many people who abuse it.  Not everyone with an ESA necessarily needs one.  Many people do it so they don’t have to pay pet rent or deposits.  As attractive as that is (on top of them flying free and apartments not being able to deny them), I still didn’t want to go the ESA route.  It wasn't because I didn't need one, but more because I didn't WANT to need one.  

So, I did get an ESA letter.  I am actively searching for my canine companion to join me and my Sniffles.  Animals are such amazing blessings in our lives whether they are simply a pet to enjoy, an ESA or a support animal.  They are an integral part of the family and I consider my pets my children.  I simply cannot imagine my life without them.  I miss my departed pets constantly.

Dating..?

I’m not sure who, if anyone, will read these, but sometimes you just need a place to vent or drill up a topic of discussion (other than Facebook).  So, here it goes:  dating.

I’ve recently become rather jaded about men and the whole concept of dating.  To be fair, I had been on my way there for quite some time now, but recent events have solidified my stance there.  It’s like I was teetering on the side of the mountain and a swift breeze finally just toppled me over.  I’ve been doing the online dating bit for a long time.  In fact, I met my ex on OK Cupid and we had a wonderful relationship, even though it ended.  I’ve had a few other successful relationships that began online, as well, so I’ve never seen it as taboo or a bad thing.  Recently, though, it seems the dynamic of online dating, or maybe just dating in general, has taken a drastic turn.  Can we even call what’s going on these days “dating?”  I’m not sure we can.  I don’t think going on the prowl for some unsuspecting person to mount for the night, or a short period of time, can be remotely considered dating.  It’s a jungle out there and there’s a fever swirling around it, my friends.

So the situation that solidified my jaded feeling with dating…  I’m ashamed to admit it, but I got catfished.  I never thought something like that would ever happen to me; I was too smart for that.  Well, I thought wrong.  I got very, very enthralled with this guy.  We just clicked.  He seemed to say all of the right things.  That should have been a red flag right there, because that shit never happens.  Anyway, so it was a Friday night and I was going out with one of my girlfriends and her guy she was sort of seeing.  I tried to get him to come out since I was solo.  He said he was going to come, but then suddenly his mother was not feeling well and had to be taken to the ER.  That was when I began to be rather skeptical about the whole situation because it sounded like a load of crap.  I didn’t call him out right away because he claimed he was going to make it up to me with dinner Saturday night.  OK, great.  So Saturday came around and I was feeling excited, nervous and quite apprehensive due to the preceding events.  The date was set for 6:30.  I got a text from him around 5ish that he would be off work soon.  I felt a little better at that point.  Then 6:30 came closer and closer.  I was sitting in my apartment waiting for a text to tell me he was on his way, or something like that.  Nothing.  Since I had been feeling apprehensive, I wasn’t going to leave my apartment until I was absolutely sure he was going.  I never heard from him…that night.

I had gotten more curious and began an internet investigation Friday night and what I came up with made me sick to my stomach – this guy had lied so, so, so much about everything.  I had figured it out, so I text him the next day saying that I didn’t know what he was trying to pull but it was fucked up. 

I ended up taking a nap Saturday and wake up to a text from him saying, “Sorry, I’m a catfish.”  Boom.  I won’t go into the details of me ripping this guy out, but suffice to say that he looked nothing like his photos, didn’t even have remotely close to the same job he claimed to have, which was personal trainer (this guy actually works a dry cleaners), and also had kids.  Hell, the guy could even be married for all I know.  His Facebook only lent me so much information, but it was enough.

Let’s fast forward to this week, because this whole thing gets even better.  I wake up to a text Thursday morning that said, “I need someone to talk to.”  Well, I had deleted this guy’s phone number and all the messages, so I didn’t know who it was.  I had to plug the number into Facebook.  It was him.  I was floored.  I couldn’t believe he was texting me after everything.  I toyed around with whether to even text him back.  In the end I did because I was curious as to what he had to say.  I asked him what in his right mind would make him think I would be that person for him after all of that.  Long story short, he admitted he didn’t have any right to talk to me.  I essentially told him that he has kids and to go be a father and to lose my number.

The fact that I even have this story to share makes me shudder.  I know there are other victims of catfishing out there, so I feel for you.  I’m only glad that he had the decency (I’m not sure that’s even the word to use here) to not show up for the date.  That, I think, would have been worse.  Really, what can their endgame be?  He had the audacity to ask me if he could ever make it up to me.  So, what, you think that you can lure me in with lies, then hope that by some stroke of luck I’ll forgive you for your lies and like you anyway?  Um, I don’t fucking think so!

Suffice to say that I’ve deleted my dating apps and plan to go organic these days.  That isn’t to say that someone can’t still meet someone online, I’m just done with it.  If that means I’m single for a long, long time, so be it.  Call me old-fashioned, but I think the guy should take you out on a date – dinner and drinks, and dress nicely.  I’ve gone out on “dates” with some guys and they show up wearing some screen print shirt like they’re going out with their friends.  At least wear a damn button-up!  Us ladies spend quite a bit of time doing our hair, putting on our makeup and picking out a nice outfit to wear on a date.  The least a guy can do is wear a nice outfit.  First impressions are important.  I won’t completely write a guy off simply because his outfit doesn’t meet my expectations, but we’re definitely not off to a good start.

Here’s to going back to old-fashioned dating and meeting people organically - - Ha, ha, ha… I’m pretty sure I’m going to be single for the rest of my life!     

The Exclusivity

A Blog about Everything (minus the things I have specific blogs about, ha)!

I keep finding things that I could blog about, so I figured instead of continuing to create specific blogs for all of these things, I would finally just do a generalized one.  Not that there are probably a lot of people that are all that interested in the random ramblings of my mind, but just in case… here it will be.

What’s on my mind today?  The illusive Nintendo NES Classic – illusive isn’t even a strong enough word.  I have been trying to get ahold of one of these things since November 11^th when it came available.  I never would have thought that it would be so difficult to acquire something so tiny.  Yet here we are in March 2017 and I’m still grasping at air trying to get one of these.  I spent a lot of time trying to get at one every time it came available setting reminds on my phone and sitting on the computer hitting “Refresh” hoping to be one of the lucky people to get one.  Clearly I was not lucky. 

I was so close.  Once.  Walmart had them and I managed to get it into my cart and checked out.  I had my confirmation email and everything telling me that I would get an email once my item was ready to be picked up.  I was on top of the world.  Better yet, it was Friday so I knew exactly what I was going to be doing with my weekend.  I anxiously checked and rechecked my email seeking out the email signaling the return of my childhood in miniature form.  Then it arrived… the email that squashed my excitement and dreams.  Walmart had regretted to inform me that due to an over-sale, I would not be receiving a Nintendo NES Classic.  I was crushed, and utterly pissed.  It was like being all primed and ready to be pleasured only to get the tip.  Just the tip is never okay!!  But I digress.  I gave up on obtaining a Nintendo NES for quite a while after that.

**Note**I suck at posting things in a timely manner sometimes.  I started writing this back in March when there was a promotion was going on, and I clearly did not post this in time because it is now April.

That brings us to that day in March.  My mind got curious about the availability of the gaming system once more.  I4U News had been giving away some Nintendo NES Classics.  In case you were wondering, I did not win one.  So it still eludes me... I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get one, or if all this effort will prove to be a fruitless endeavor.  I'm not giving up yet.  I do really want one.  I have so many fond memories of playing Zelda, Donkey Kong, Super Mario and the like.  Having an awesome mini would be... Well, awesome.

Anyway, I'll keep checking just hoping to get lucky... eventually.